Alleviating Guilt
by weirdgirl42
Summary: Coulson has a nightmare the night before he's planning to tell the Avengers he's alive. May helps him through both. Phillida and implied Skimmons. Post-finale.


_I don't own anything you recognize._

**Alleviating Guilt**

"Do you think they'll understand?" Coulson asked.

It was late, or early depending on your definition. He'd woken from a nightmare a few minutes before, shooting straight up in bed with a shout that was really half gasp. May had been awake since the moment he'd started to toss and turn and so was not alarmed or surprised by his sudden movement. She sat up next to him and laid her head against his back as he took a few deep breaths and rubbed his eyes. After a few minutes he lay back down and turned on his side to face her.

"Will who understand what?" she replied, lying down beside him. She wasn't fazed by the fact that his question seemed to come out of nowhere and likely had nothing to do with his nightmare. Coulson didn't like to talk about what he saw in the dark.

"Clint, Natasha, Stark…Steve. All of them."

May reached out and touched his face, slowly tracing around his ear and into his short hair. They had known each other more than 25 years and had been sleeping together for the last fifteen months but she still couldn't get over the fact that she was allowed to touch him whenever she wanted.

"Even if they don't understand," she told him, "they have no reason to be angry with you. Fury maybe, but not you."

"Were you angry when he told you?"

May's hand moved to rest against his chest, unconsciously covering his scar over his t-shirt. "No," she said quietly. "Not angry."

Coulson covered her hand with his own, he could see the pain in her eyes and didn't push for more information. He knew that it had been more than a week before she'd been told. He could now remember how she'd sat with him in the hospital for days. He knew enough.

"They're going to be mad at me though," she continued. "Natasha and Clint especially."

"Where do they think you are?" Coulson asked. It occurred to him for the first time that she wouldn't have been able to tell them about the new job.

"They thought I stayed in administration. Tasha called after…after everything and said she and Steve were heading underground for a while. She hadn't heard from Clint in a while but she was pretty sure he was with Stark and Banner. I told her I was going to stay with my mother. It wasn't a complete lie." She looked up in time to see the guilt cover his face. "Don't," she said.

Coulson tightened his hand on hers, trying to forget the emptiness he'd felt coming back to Providence to find she'd gone. The pain and anger at himself when he'd thought he'd driven her away for good. May untangled their fingers and resumed her slow caresses through his hair.

"Are you sure you're ready for them to know?" she asked, trying to change the subject. She knew he'd see through the thin ruse but that he'd be grateful nonetheless.

Coulson nodded, his eyes closing in response to the feel of her fingers on his scalp. "I've been director for over a year. Maria says Stark won't accept Fury's absence anymore. He's started looking and he'll figure it out eventually. Better to just tell them. Who knows when we're gonna need them."

For a few minutes neither of them spoke. May continued to run her hand through his hair, Coulson tried to ignore the niggling images from the nightmare that flashed behind his eyelids.

"You wanna talk about it?" May asked at last.

His eyes opened. "About what?"

May just looked at him until understanding dawned.

"It's a cycle," he said. "Variations on a theme. Sometimes it's Skye on the plane with Ward. Simmons and Fitz in the water. Everyone just…gone."

May nodded but said nothing. She knew from personal experience that there was nothing you could say to make a nightmare more bearable.

"Sometimes it's you. In Bahrain, Sierra Leone, Barcelona. Sometimes just at Providence with Ward. And I can't…I can't get to you. I try but…I'm too late." He closed his eyes, the memories mixing with dreams in his mind.

May scooted closer and tucked her head under his chin, letting him wrap his arms around her, knowing he needed the tangible connection. He held her for what seemed like hours, shuddering breaths shaking them both every so often. Eventually she pulled back a little and leaned up to kiss him.

"You realize Tasha's going to hug you right?" May asked after she broke the kiss, resting her head next to his on his pillow.

Coulson chuckled. "Probably. I should give Simmons a heads up so she can wrap my ribs when we get back."

May's brow furrowed. "We?"

"Yeah Maria told me to bring the team. Skye's been hassling me about meeting Stark for months now. She wants access to some sort of database that she thinks he can help her with. Trip wants to ask Steve about his grandfather. And I want Clint to talk to Fitz. If anyone understands what it's like to do the job without having full control of your body it's him."

May nodded in agreement. Fitz had recovered for the most part, but the lack of oxygen to his brain had compromised his optic nerve. He could make out shapes and light but was almost totally blind. She was constantly impressed by how much he was still able to create and build with just Simmons or Trip helping explain what was on the screen or in notes but she knew that the young man was still struggling with his newfound reality. Coulson was right, talking to Clint may be exactly what Fitz needed right now.

"Unfortunately," Coulson said, causing May to focus on him again, "it doesn't look like Thor is going to be there. So if you don't want to go I understand."

May rolled her eyes.

XXXXXXXXXX

The team's excitement was palpable as they flew the Bus to New York. Coulson, on the other hand, was a giant ball of nerves. He stood in the doorway of the main living area, watching the others. Skye and Simmons were sitting next to each other on a couch laughing and talking so fast he couldn't catch most of it. He raised a brow when he realized how close they were sitting, how they smiled at each other, how Simmons reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind Skye's ear.

As Director of SHIELD he knew he should probably take them aside and inquire as to the nature of their relationship. As a man currently in a semi-clandestine relationship with his own second in command he decided he wasn't quite ready to be that big a hypocrite. If they came to him he'd listen, if it became a problem or distraction he'd figure out a new plan.

Fitz and Trip were sitting across from each other, a chessboard on the table between them. Every few minutes Trip would move a piece and call out the move. Fitz would immediately call out a counter-move and Trip would move the other man's piece as well, shaking his head at how Fitz could still wipe the floor with him even when he couldn't see the board.

They were happy. All of them. Even if it only lasted for the day, it was something. But Coulson couldn't share their happiness quite yet, so he quietly left the room and headed to the cockpit.

"Do you mind?" he asked, indicating the co-pilot's seat.

May shook her head and adjusted the sunglasses on her face. Coulson sat down and the two of them sat in silence, staring out at the blue.

"Do you think there's something going on with Skye and Simmons?" Coulson asked after a while.

May turned her head to look at him and even though he couldn't see her eyes he'd seen her 'how clueless can you be?' look enough times to know when she was making it.

"Seriously?" he said. "How long?"

"Sometime after Fitz woke up."

Coulson nodded. "Do you think it'll be a problem?"

"I don't think Simmons is going to be going back into the field anytime soon."

"True. Not a lot that can go wrong if she's always on the Bus or at the Playground."

"And even if it was," May added. "Not like you're one to talk."

Coulson sighed. "Yeah I'd thought of that."

They were quiet for a while. May could tell that the revelation still had him on edge and she couldn't stop the smile from crossing her face. "You're just mad because you can't exactly give Simmons the overprotective father speech."

"Well it's not fair!" Coulson exclaimed. "I was really hoping to be able to give that speech to someone one day!"

May laughed and shook her head. "We're almost there," she said. "Are you ready for this?"

"As ready as I'll ever be," Coulson admitted. "I asked Maria to let me talk to Natasha and Clint first. They deserve that."

She nodded in agreement as she began the plane's descent.

It took another hour to get from the isolated airfield to Stark/Avenger Tower. Maria had met them outside the Bus with an SUV and driven the team herself. They pulled into the private underground parking and made their way up to the top floors. Maria then took Skye, Simmons, Fitz, and Trip over to one of the labs and directed Coulson and May to another room. Coulson saw through the small window that Clint and Natasha were standing inside, staring out the window speaking softly to each other. May reached down and squeezed his hand, he smiled at her in thanks and pushed open the door.

Clint was the first to react. He drew an arrow out of his quiver, loaded his bow, and aimed it at Coulson's head.

"Not gonna work Loki," he said, venom in his voice. "Get away from him Mels."

May shook her head and stepped in front of Coulson. "He's not Loki, Clint. It's Phil."

Clint shook his head. "Coulson's dead. You were there when we buried him."

Coulson put his hand on May's shoulder and moved to stand beside her. "I was dead. Fury brought me back. Using some questionable methods."

"I don't believe you," Clint said.

"15 years ago in Cairo you got so drunk that you tried to make pancakes at 3 in the morning and burned the safehouse down."

Clint froze and stared at Coulson. He slowly lowered the bow and quivered his arrow. "Phil?"

Coulson smiled. "Yeah."

"Why didn't you tell us? After New York? Hydra?"

"At first it was orders. Fury didn't want any Avengers to know, and he needed to keep the technology a secret. After Hydra…it wasn't safe. We couldn't let anyone know how he'd brought me back. We still can't. There are some, unsettling side effects."

"So it was all an act?" Natasha said, speaking for the first time.

Coulson looked at her confused but then realized the question wasn't directed at him, she was looking at May.

"When you destroyed your apartment? When you freaked out at the funeral and disappeared for months. It was a lie? You knew all along?"

"No," May replied. "I didn't know for weeks."

Somehow that seemed to placate Natasha and the four of them stood in silence for a while.

"Why now?" Clint asked at last.

"Stark's pretty close to figuring it out," Coulson admitted. "And I was tired of lying. There've been so many times I almost picked up the phone to call you guys. For advice or backup. Fury's not in charge anymore, I figured I didn't have to follow all his rules anymore." He met May's eyes giving her a pointed look that Natasha and Clint both saw but chose to ignore.

"He left you in charge didn't he?" Clint asked.

Coulson nodded.

There was another awkward silence. Then Natasha was hugging him and Coulson wondered if it had been a mistake not to actually give Simmons that heads up.

XXXXXXXXXX

Telling Clint and Natasha was the hard part. The rest of the Avengers took the news a little better, though with no less shock. At least no one else pointed a weapon at him. Pepper gave him a huge hug. So did Steve, causing Coulson's face to turn beet red. Stark claimed to have known the whole time though Coulson could hear a slight tremor in his voice and was genuinely touched. Banner had shaken his hand and proceeded to ask a bunch of medical questions that Coulson and the rest of the team answered as vaguely as possible until pizza arrived and everyone got distracted.

Coulson pulled Clint aside and told him about Fitz. Clint nodded in understanding and Coulson saw the archer sit down next to the young scientist. The two of them spoke quietly for quite some time and Coulson couldn't help but smile at the look on Fitz's face.

Stark and Skye clicked immediately and Coulson had to stifle a groan. This would not end well. He watched as Simmons gently smiled at the pair of computer geniuses and hoped that the biochemist would be able to keep Skye out of trouble for the most part.

He was smiling at the sight of Steve, Trip, Maria, and Natasha discussing the howling commandos when he felt May walk up beside him. They were far enough apart to not be touching but close enough that he could feel the warmth of her body through his suit.

"Happy?" she asked.

"Yeah," he replied honestly, crossing his arms over his chest. "I'm glad they all know. Things will be easier now. Might have a chance at some real backup if the need arises."

"I think Skye wants to move headquarters here. Something about the tech. And Simmons was gushing over Banner's description of the lab." She moved a little closer to him, "Might be worth thinking about."

Coulson shook his head and reached out with one crossed arm to gently stroke his fingers against her shoulder. "Nah," he said. "I like the Playground."

May nodded in agreement.

"Besides," he added, "there's nowhere to park the bus."

**The End**

_Thanks for reading!_


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